Activating the “Ellen Adarna” in You

I just love how Ellen Adarna spreads women empowerment vibes through her IG videos wherein she answers questions from her fans about cheating ex-boyfriends and loving one’s self.  Her IG videos have been trending on social media lately. In her videos, she wittingly tells us that she doesn’t do drama when she finds out that a guy is cheating on her. She just leaves him immediately because she knows her worth and she quips: “Gwapa ko (I’m beautiful).”

Inasmuch as her mantra is entertaining and spreading feel-good mood to women of all ages in order to inspire and encourage them to love themselves more than their cheating partners, this does not hold enough power to help women out there who have been struggling with their confidence and self-esteem while they are in an abusive relationship.

Not all women have the mindset and disposition of Ellen.

For one thing, there are those who could not decide immediately to leave their boyfriend or husband because even before they could do this, their self-esteem and self-confidence have been stepped on by their partners probably even at the start of their relationship. There are those who have kids with their partner and could not leave with just a snap of a finger because they’re afraid of the repercussions of such a decision:

“What would my mom and dad say about  me?”

“Would they still accept me?”

“How about my friends? Are they going to judge me?”

“How can I support my kids on my own considering that I don’t have a job and a degree?”

“I don’t want my kids to grow up without having a father in their life.”

Apart from these questions that linger in their minds longer than the act of deciding to put an end to the relationship, there are those who are extremely afraid to leave their partner for fear of being harassed or their partner might physically hurt them or their kids.

It’s easy for Ellen to make such a decision because she doesn’t lose anything.

She has the upper hand in such a situation, financially-wise. Moreover, let’s face it, she’s stunningly beautiful and she can pick any guy she wants to play or be in a relationship with. She can even marry a British monarch if she wants to. These are her privileges in life and not all women have those.

What I can advise all young ladies out there is to empower yourselves first with good education, a strong career, and a loving family and friends who can support you in anything that you do in life.

If you have a job that you love to do every day, it serves as your form of security. When you have had enough with your partner and you have worked hard to fix the relationship, you can be sure enough that you can pick yourself up and maintain your security because you have a degree, skills, and know-how to fall back on.

In addition to that, save money while you’re still single and make it your own personal savings. Do not use that even if you’re married. The money that you and your husband will be making will become a joint account. However, don’t forget to set aside a certain amount and directly put it into your personal savings account so that when the time comes when you’re left with no other choice but to leave an abusive relationship, then you have your personal savings to use and start all over again. That can even give you the assurance that you and your kids are good for the coming months while you’re regaining your confidence and trust in yourself as you go back to the work world.

Most importantly, never enter a relationship without the knowledge and blessing of your parents. For sure, your parents may not always approve of any guy you’re going to be in a relationship with but assure them all the time that they deserve to know how you are doing with your guy. Let’s face it, ladies, not all women are capable of physically, emotionally, and psychologically defending themselves when your guy starts abusing you in any way.

Be sure to have a circle of friends (those who you can really trust, REALLY TRUST) to whom you can confide your problems and sentiments and be ready TO LISTEN to them. Your friends also have their tipping point if they keep on advising you on the same matter. It’s a waste of their time and energy.

Surround yourself with empowered women too, ladies. Attract positive energy from women who know their worth. Don’t hang around with those who are stupid and who will just drag you down by pointing out your shortcomings in your face. If you have brothers or male friends, seek their help when everything gets worse. It’s also a good idea to have men who would be there to protect you when things get out of hand, you know what I mean.

Ladies, before you borrow Ellen’s words, “Gwapa ko,” draw out that courage in you and say: “I love myself and I know my worth!”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jason Compuesto is an English professor at USJR.  The blog posts of contributing individuals who are not staff members of AIEP do not represent the views of the company.